


the past made me cautious, you make me brave.

by serenascampbell



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:58:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7166546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenascampbell/pseuds/serenascampbell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**on hiatus for a while while I work on other stuff**<br/>Bernie and Serena have a night with their old friend Shiraz, and some unexplored feelings are exposed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. inebriated words

Serena’s phone rang in her pocket and she was curious as to who could be ringing her - Jason would almost definitely be in bed, Elinor was unlikely to call without reason and she was still in the hospital so they couldn’t be calling her in. Looking at the caller ID, she saw that it was Bernie and smiled subconsciously as she answered the call and raised it to her ear. 

“Hi Bern’, what’s up?” Serena questioned softly as she signed off on her last patient and headed back to the office - she’d stopped calling it hers only a few weeks after Bernie had moved in, she didn’t mind sharing. 

“Up for a bottle of Shiraz and a chat when you get off?” Bernie asked, and even through the phone Serena could sense there was a frown on her face as she spoke. “I could do with the company.”

“Of course, I was just about to leave actually. I don’t fancy Albie’s with the day shift rush - meet at my place instead? I’ve got plenty in.” Serena didn’t really care about how busy the pub was, but she wanted to know what was wrong, and she knew that Bernie would never talk if she was surrounded by her colleagues. 

“Brilliant, I’m on the bench anyway because I thought you’d want to go out. I’ll wait here for you and you can drive me to yours.” Bernie’s smile could be heard in her tone, all it took was the prospect of spending time with Serena to cheer her up. “See you in a minute.“

“Okay, bye.” Serena grinned as she hung up and slipped her phone back in to her pocket, grabbing her coat from the stand by the door and picking up her bag, not even bothering to search for the paperwork she had wanted underneath Bernie’s mess. 

As she headed out of the office, Fletch was headed in her direction and she just shyly avoided eye contact with him. There was no way she was going to leave Bernie sitting on the bench outside waiting for the rest of the night while she got dragged in to staying longer than she ought to. Sliding in to the lift, she watched the doors close and exhaled softly as she descended. 

The busy atmosphere of the ED barely fazed her as she headed for the door and walked out in to the brisk chill of the evening. From where she was stood, she could see the bench, and the outline of the woman who sat on it. 

“Hey, one of those days?” Serena offered as Bernie looked up to smile at her, rising from where she had been sat and started to walk towards the car park. 

“Something like that.” Bernie admitted weakly, reaching for the brunette’s arm and tucking her own around it snugly. ‘I think it’s just been lonely.“

“You could’ve come to see me- I mean you would’ve had to deal with some paperwork, and I would’ve made you tidy up the mess you’ve made of the office, but you could’ve come to see me nevertheless.” Serena was only half-joking, using a wry smile to cover the seriousness of what she was saying. “So, Shiraz and cigarettes and some down time? I couldn’t ask for a better evening.”

“Nor could I.” The blonde smiled as they reached the silver Citroen C4 and both walked towards their respective doors. 

Neither woman spoke as they got in to the car and started to drive, they simply turned on the radio and silently listened. It was what Bernie called an airlock - establishing a fine line between their lives at work, and their lives away from work. There were certain things in her life that she would never discuss with a colleague, but would disclose to a friend. 

After 9 minutes and 24 seconds, if Bernie could count correctly, they pulled in to Serena’s drive and got out - leaving the silence behind them. 

“Head straight out and we’ll sit on the patio for a while, it’s a nice night…and our deepest conversations always end best when we’re outside. I’ll get a bottle and some glasses.” Serena offered as they headed through the front door of her snug semi-detached. 

Without a second thought, Bernie headed through to the back of the house and let herself through the patio door. She took a seat on the bench just outside the window, feeling odd in how much it resembled the bench that they had shared on many a fag break. 

Meanwhile, the brunette had headed upstairs to poke her head in on Jason and see if he was alright. Finding her nephew sleeping soundly under the duvet, Serena smiled before heading back downstairs to grab a bottle. 

“I never realised how much I missed England, while I was over there I mean.” Bernie began, as Serena stepped out of the patio door with two glasses full of Shiraz. “I knew I missed my children, and to some extent my husband. I missed certain things that I couldn’t have taken with me, but I never realised how much I missed this.”

“This?” Serena questioned coolly as she handed over one of the glasses and took a seat beside the blonde. 

“The country itself - cold nights in the middle of June with a sky so cloudy you can barely see the stars, the unpredictability of weather meaning you need to bring a change of clothes on a warm day. Having the time to appreciate terrible weather.” Bernie speculated. “My life was so hectic, I never had a minute to myself and now that I have time, I wonder if anything that happened over there was ever real.”

“I can’t imagine it could be any more real than that. You spent years living in the heat of the moment, never thinking twice and never taking a minute to look backwards. Bern’, you have to forgive yourself for Alex - it was a different world.” Serena swallowed dryly, struggling to tell her to forgive herself, when she still struggled to think about it. “You can’t start pretending that it meant nothing.”

“I went to see her.” Bernie admitted, a tinge of guilt in her tone. “Yesterday night I drove over to London to see her - I was surprised she agreed but I think she needed it just as much as me, to know either way.”

“What happened?”

“We talked, we kissed, we slept, we ate. We spent time together.” Bernie commented easily. “I was hoping it would be the same at it always was - over there, being in her company was enough to set my senses on fire. But I felt nothing, when we actually try to be together - casually, without saving lives or getting shot at - it’s not the same.” 

“You really think it was a side effect of being out there? Honestly?” Serena speculated curiously, sipping from her glass as she neared the end of it. 

“I believe that I loved her, but that was then. Sometimes people aren’t cut out for everyday life. She was the first woman I ever truly loved, and there’ll always be a space in my heart for her because she made me realise who I was, who I was always supposed to be. I love her for that, at least.” The blonde swallowed loudly, glancing across to see Serena looking intensely towards the sky. “The Major loved Alex, always has and always will, but I’m not her…not anymore. Bernie Wolfe of Holby City Hospital is a completely different person.”

“I’m quite inclined to say that I prefer her.” Serena responded sweetly as she topped up their glasses and turned slightly. 

The two women chatted for hours, they hadn’t returned to the house until past ten and by the time that either one of them even thought about it, it was already almost 1am. They’d been through four bottles of Shiraz between them, taking glass after glass without a second thought as they relished in the company of one another. 

“You’re going to have to stay in the spare roo-Fuck. You’ll have to share my bed.” Serena offered drunkenly, she could see that Bernie was about to object as she raised her hand to stop her. “I promise I don’t bite. I’m not forcing you on to that sofa for the night, it’s unpleasant at the best of times.” 

“‘Rena, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Bernie was struggling to stay reasonable through the curtain of alcohol which blurred not only her vision, but her common sense. 

“Bern’ I’ll be fine. You may be gay but I don’t believe the stereotype that every lesbian is a sexual predator, and you’re certainly not going to target me! I’m not exactly ripe pickings for those with a more ‘refined’ taste, shall we say.” Serena smugly giggled in to her wine glass, about to finish it off and call an end to her drinking for the night. 

“Serena Campbell, don’t you dare flaunt your poor self-confidence in my face - you’re beautiful and you know it! Any man in the hospital would jump in a supply cupboard with you the second they got the go ahead, with the possible exception of Dom.” Bernie arched an eyebrow in exclamation, mildly concerned that she had been a little unabashed in her response. “If I were a sexual predator, I’m sure I would target you. That’s the most preposterous route I’ve ever taken to giving a compliment but there you go!”

“Oh please!” Serena rolled her eyes as she flopped sideways to rest her head against Bernie’s shoulder, weakly smiling in her brazen and exposed state. The blonde moved her free hand to rest against Serena’s petite waist, giving it an affectionate squeeze as she took the last of her wine down and placed the empty glass upon the wooden arm of the bench. “Would you really?“

“What? Target you as sexual prey?” Bernie sniggered as she creased her brows in interest.

“Be attracted to me. If you didn’t know me, and we didn’t work together, and I wasn’t your go-to drinking buddy.” Serena was deadly serious in her questioning - her state of mind had been somewhat inhibited and she wasn’t thinking about what she was saying very much. Bernie knew at this point that she was too drunk to remember anything that was said, as was she.

“Why do you think I came over to you? On that first day, when your insurance company was being obnoxious and you didn’t know what to do. I was attracted to you, I don’t give free labour to just anyone you know.” Bernie responded candidly - when she had first seen Serena, she hadn’t thought of her as ‘girlfriend material’, but she had definitely found her company all the more enticing courtesy of her charming eyes and rather luxurious figure. “You’re stunning Serena, no ifs, ands or buts.”

“I wish the rest of the world believed that.” Serena muttered, sniggering to herself. The brunette still had her head resting against Bernie’s shoulder and she was glad that her face couldn’t be seen, nor could the tears in her eyes. “I wish anyone would believe that.”

“Maybe you should.” Bernie proffered as she tilted her head back to look up at the sky. Her will power was faltering in this moment, and it was taking everything in her not to prove to Serena just how beautiful she was. “I wish you’d believe that, ‘Rena, I really do.”

“This wine’s made you delirious, dear.“ Serena giggled, turning further towards Bernie so that she could wrap her own arm around Bernie tightly. “D’you know I think you’re my favourite person in the whole wide world? My daughter means everything to me, as does Jason - but I think if the world was ending, you’re the person I’d want standing beside me through it.” 

“You too, Serena, you too.” Bernie exhaled her words calmly, reaching for the pack of Marlboros she had tucked in her pocket and pulling one out before lighting it with the Zippo she kept tucked inside. “Sometimes I wonder what I would’ve done if I’d ended up in Holby without you, I’d probably be face down in my own vomit in Albies right now.“ 

Serena reached up aimlessly to take the cigarette from between Bernie’s lips and take a drag before returning it. Smoke billowed from her lips as she relaxed against the soft, warm body of her colleague. 

“Let’s do blowbacks and feel like rebellious teenagers all over again.” Serena had a sense of mischief in her voice as she sat up and crossed her legs, turning to face Bernie with enthusiasm only to be faced by a look of disdain from the blonde. “Pretty please, Bern’.”

“Are you ever going to grow up?” Bernie asked with a smirk, rolling her eyes as she moved the cigarette and tucked it between her teeth, cupping her hands around her mouth and leaning towards Serena. There was a long moment of calm silence as Serena took the fag in between her lips and inhaled deeply. 

As a veil of tensity settled over the atmosphere, Bernie dropped the smoke from between her teeth and let it fall to the floor before stamping it with her boot. 

“We’ve got work in less than 15 hours, we should go to bed if you want to be fit for theatre tomorrow.” Serena pointed out, eager to break the silence as she settled her hands on each of Bernie’s denim-covered knees. “This Shiraz has proven quite lethargic, it would seem.”

“Stay here, just for another minute.” Bernie whispered in to the cool night as she placed her own hands on top of Serena’s, weakly smiling. “I want this moment to last a little longer. I want to breathe, and acknowledge the fact that I’m here in this moment with the person that means the most to me. ”

Serena watched Bernie as she stared mindlessly away down the garden, admiring the beautiful simplicity in being a part of such a precious moment. Her fingers ran absently against the sturdy denim of the blonde’s jeans as she appreciated what she was feeling. Bernie allowed a single tear to roll down her cheek - not a tear of sadness, nor a tear of joy - and she made no attempt to catch it as it slipped down towards her jaw and hung there before dripping down to land upon their entwined hands. 

Even in a moment of such calm, Bernie struggled to relax. It was a side effect of spending so long in the army, so long expecting danger…she exhaled her worries and returned her gaze to the brunette, only to meet the hazel eyes she had become so familiar with. 

“Sometimes I feel like I could lock forever in one moment, I feel like that right now. What I would give to be able to stay right here, like this, until the day my heart stops beating…” Serena’s speech trailed off as she focused her attention on the woman sat across from her. “Don’t you ever wish that you could choose who you loved?”

“Don’t we all?” Bernie responded, no scent of humour in her voice as she held their gaze. 

“It’s simply not in the nature of love to be convenient, love is independent of all else…that is its fatal flaw.” A lonely tear leaked from her left eye and trickled down her face. “If only you could love who you wanted, and more to the point, love those who wanted you. Edward never loved me, never wanted me…it’d be nice to feel wanted.”

“‘Rena, Edward was an arse and you know that. Loving someone is about more than wanting them, it’s about needing them and feeling like you’ll break if they’re not there. Feeling like they’re a fundamental part of you.” Bernie pinched the inside of her cheek between her teeth as she felt a sense of regret creep in to the sobering corners of her mind. 

“Make me feel wanted, Bern’. You don’t have to love me, or need me - I just want to feel wanted. Just for one moment, just for one second…I want to know what it’s like. Even if neither of us remember it in the morning.” Serena pleaded lowly, her fingers paused in their subtle stroking of the blonde’s knees as she faltered in what she had asked. “I just want to know what it feels like.”

“You make a very valid point - neither of us are likely to remember this in the morning so I can say this without fear of it ending sourly.“ Bernie hummed, tightening her grip on Serena’s hands as she spoke. “Every time you ever meet my eye, every time your voice reaches my ears, every time you take a breath - you are wanted. You are wanted, and you are needed, and you are loved. If only you’d believe me…”

“Make me believe you.” Serena’s voice was barely above a whisper as she leant towards Bernie and placed a gentle kiss against the blonde’s lips. The meeting of their lips was not sexual, nor was it romantic in the most refined sense of the word…it was tender, and pure, and delicate- and utterly brief. Bernie drew back from the kiss with a glow in her cheeks, she had not stopped because she wanted to stop, more so because she didn’t want it to happen as it had. “I-”

Bernie lifted a hand and ran it against the woman’s sharp cheekbone to silence her, before forcing her to meet her eye line and showing her - without action, without words - that she was wanted. Time was a relative concept, and neither of them bothered to think about anything besides themselves for however long they sat there. 

“Time for bed now I think, Miss Campbell.” Bernie uttered as she dropped her hand and shifted to stand up. Grabbing their two glasses, and the empty bottles - she placed them on the counter closest to the patio door before returning to offer a hand to Serena, in order to guide her up the stairs. “You’ll have to lead the way.”

Noiselessly, the pair of them made their way up the stairs and into Serena’s bedroom. In her inebriated state, the brunette didn’t even think before drawing her white chiffon blouse over her head to reveal a taught torso and black lace bra. Her trousers followed suit to puddle around her on the floor, as she reached for the shirt at the end of the bed and threw it over herself before unclipping her bra and slipping it off to join the pile of clothing at the foot of the bed. Bernie watched, in awe of what she was witnessing, before distracting herself with her own preparation for bed - she unlaced her boots and slipped them off before loosening the buckle on her belt and allowing her jeans to pool at her ankles. The striped white shirt followed leaving her in a simple tank top and underwear, she reassembled her clothing a little more neatly before climbing in to the side of the bed closest to her. 

“Goodnight Bern’.” Serena breathed in to the black of the room, only to hear a quiet response followed by silence. For about fifteen minutes, there was uncomfortable shuffling around in order to find comfort before the brunette huffed aloud and flummoxed on to her back. “Would you…?”

Bernie was about to ask her what it was she wanted, but she already knew the answer so easily rolled closer to Serena and lay her arm against her silk-covered midriff. Serena smiled in to the dark room before shifting on to her side, back facing the blonde, only to be tugged a little closer and held a little tighter. As she drifted to sleep, she felt a light, half-hearted kiss against her shoulder.


	2. the aftermath

“Good morning Auntie Serena, Good morning Bernie!” Jason exclaimed loudly as he entered the room nonchalantly. Bernie jumped quite sharply, pulling the duvet up to her chin in case she was inappropriately dressed, she was followed closely by a sleepy yet surprisingly alert Serena. “Just wanted to let you know that I’m going to work, I’ll see you later on.”

“Wait, Jason!” Serena called as Jason was about to leave the room. “Bernie and I, this isn’t-” 

“Auntie Serena, I know that my Asbergers is supposed to limit my capacity to process socially, but I’ve known about you two since the first time I met Bernie. I’m not completely oblivious.” Jason responded matter-of-factly. “Anyway, better go because I have to be at work on time. See you later on.”

Serena rolled over and buried her face in Bernie’s chest, trying to pretend that the last two minutes had never happened. Bernie bit her lip concernedly as she wondered whether the brunette had realised their current predicament, or if she recalled any part of how they had got there. The blonde couldn’t hold in her laughter and burst in to quiet giggling as Serena’s head bobbed merrily under the force of Bernie’s shaking diaphragm. 

“Did that actually just happen? Has he thought we were at it all this time?” Serena questioned curiously, holding in her own laughter as she raised her head to rest upon the pillow, close next to Bernie’s. “He’s more perceptive than either of us apparently.”

“It would seem so.” Bernie replied calmly. She was unsure as to how much, if any, of last night that Serena could remember and she didn’t want to assume either way though by their current position - she seemed to be completely fine with whatever she believed to have happened. “I really need some painkillers in this moment.”

“Painkillers, I can do.” The brunette offered kindly as she reached backwards to grab a small box from the bedside cabinet before handing it to Bernie. The blonde opened it and plucked two of the capsules out before tipping them to the back of her throat and swallowing them down, handing the case back easily. “Staying in bed all day has never sounded more appealing but we have work in approximately eight hours and I know that I do not look even mildly respectable right now.” 

Serena flicked the duvet up before forcing her body up to stand, groaning loudly as she did so. Glancing back towards the bed, she saw a dazed Bernie who did not appear to be making any move to get up and rolled her eyes. She sauntered around to the other side of the bed and held out a hand, half-heartedly taken, and pulled Bernie up and away from the bed. The brunette could tell that something was wrong, though she wasn’t entirely sure what it was at this point - her memories of last night were still a tad hazy. 

“Coffee?” Bernie grumbled as she picked her clothing up from the floor and slipped on her jeans, padding towards the bedroom door. Serena took a minute slip on her dressing gown and take a glance in the mirror to sort out her bedhead, before sauntering downstairs to find Bernie boiling the kettle and putting coffee in to two mugs. “I’m knackered, what time did we even get to bed last night?”

“About 2, I think. I don’t remember.” Serena hummed as she moved towards Bernie, resting her hand against the woman’s muscular arm as they waited for the kettle to boil. “I’ll drive you home after we’ve got ourselves sorted so you can get a shower and a change of clothes before work.”

The kettle bubbled up and clicked as Bernie picked it up and poured the hot water in to the two mugs, leaving them to brew. Serena leant her head against Bernie’s shoulder, much as she had last night, and smiled warmly at their closeness in that moment. After a minute or two of standing like that, Bernie grabbed a truant teaspoon and stirred each of the coffees before picking them both up and passing one over to Serena. 

“Bench?” Bernie suggested and Serena nodded a little before heading out in to the garden once more, they sat close beside one another and quietly sipped their coffee. “Do you-?”

“Most things…the highlights anyway. You?” She responded softly, only to be met with a simple nod. “Wait, are you-?”

“No, but I thought you might be. I didn’t know what was happening earlier, I didn’t know if you’d want to even speak to me.” Bernie swallowed down her anxieties as she felt Serena reach her spare hand to rest upon Bernie’s. “I was worried I might have lost you.”

“Not gonna happen, Bern’, I need you just as much as you need me.” 

In a comfortable quiet, the two women sat drinking their coffee and feeling the throbbing inside of their heads start to fade. Bernie speculated earnestly whether this was going to destroy their relationship, destroy everything they had built up over the past months…she was secretly terrified that everything she had worked for would go down the drain because of what split-second decision. The army medic in her was screaming that she needed to try and take back what she’d said, get Serena to believe it was a drunken mistake, and recover what she could…but she wasn’t that person anymore. 

For the rest of the morning, the two interacted normally - Bernie made herself at home and watched the news while Serena took a shower and got ready. It was surprisingly easy to be together like that, there was no tension and no uncomfortable silence - there was just a pleasing co-existence between the two of them. Eventually the pair decided it was time to head over to Bernie’s so that she could sort herself out before they had to head into work, there were no words said in the car and Bernie had expected that Serena would just go home and that would be the end of last night’s antics…instead Serena invited herself in with the intent to wait so they could drive in together. 

As Bernie sauntered around the cheap and grubby flat she had started to rent, Serena observed the way she moved so freely, without routine or technique and she curiously smiled with mirth in her eyes. Bernie took hardly any time at all to get ready - she was in and out of the shower in five, dressed in two, and ready to leave again in ten. 

“Maybe we should talk, now that we’re both sober.” Serena suggested softly as Bernie joined her on the low, and groaning couch. “You know you’ll never upset me by telling me the truth. Just talk to me, Bern’.”

“I don’t know where to start.” Bernie hummed as she turned to face directly towards the other woman. “I never intended to feel this way for you, I’ll tell you that honestly - I thought Alex was the love of my life and that was it, but it wasn’t. I got to know you - over coffees and glasses of Shiraz, I learnt who you are and I started to care about that person and then I started to feel something else. From day one, I honestly believed that what I felt for Alex could never be outdone - that was the epitome of love for me, then you turned up in my life and you were something else entirely.” 

“I’m quite sure I know what you mean.” Serena whispered in conjecture. 

“What I had with her was surfaced, it was visible, it was here and now. With you, it’s deeper…it’s like she was a bullet wound but you’re the internal damage. I don’t know this would ever work - that’s the issue, the fatal flaw as you called it…wanting people who don’t want you.” Bernie admitted lowly, avoiding eye contact as she spoke. “You’re straight, and uninterested, and happy where you are with your life. You’re living a normal life, which is something I’m pretty convinced I’m incapable of. I really am going to let you take the reins here because all I care about it keeping you in my life.” 

“Who ever said I didn’t want you?” Serena’s tone was soft, gentle as she reached a hand up to rest against Bernie’s cheek and ran her fingers along the cool skin there. “I kissed you, remember.”

Serena’s emotions had been magnified by the alcohol last night, but she could see in this moment that even sober - Bernie needed to feel wanted. Shyly she leant in and kissed her - it was more desperate, Bernie was returning the kiss ardently and her hand laced itself in short brunette hair. The kiss felt like an eternity bottled in a moment that didn’t last long enough - as the two women drew back, they opened their eyes to look at one another and felt as though everything had just fallen in to place. 

“I’m ready to be brave.“ She uttered, speaking more to herself than to Serena. “I’m tired of pretending I don’t know what I want.”

For three hours, all they did was breathe one another in. They kissed, and they held each other, and they whispered sweet nothings until the time came for them to head to work. Into the breach, the airlock sealed behind them as they closed Bernie’s front door and once again they were doctors - Campbell and Wolfe, not Bern’ and ‘Rena.


	3. behind closed doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a little short because I was going to fill it out with smut but I'm not 100% as to how you guys would feel if I went fully fledged erotica so I'm leaving it a little tame, I can write an alternate and publish if anyone's particularly interested - anyway, hope you enjoy!

Over the coming weeks, the two women spent more and more time together away from the hospital. Getting to know one another, doing things together…it was what Bernie had felt was impossible with Alex, and they were doing it so well. It was on a Tuesday night, after a few drinks in Albies as had become customary between them, that they headed back to Bernie’s place instead of Serena’s. 

Bernie had been uncertain as to whether she wanted to let things move this fast, admittedly in a regular relationship they had waited to sleep tighter for an impressively long time, but she was concerned that she was going to let it turn into something less important than it was if she was too eager in her endeavours. 

“Are you certain?” The blonde had asked concernedly as they had arrived at her flat and walked in - Serena, for the first time, seemed to be the confident of the two in what she was doing…and there was no dutch courage from the single glass of Shiraz clouding her judgment. “I know it’s your first-”

“Bernie, I’m sure. Are you?” Serena questioned cautiously, she had sensed the tensity in the atmosphere ever since she had suggested they head back to the flat instead. “It’s okay not to be, you know.”

“I am, really I am. It’s just…I’m paranoid that somehow this is going to make what we have less important, less real. It’s just a side effect I think.” Bernie swallowed down her concerns as she slipped off her coat and hung it by the front door. “You can’t imagine how much I’ve wanted this.”

“Bern’, I promise you that this - us doing this - is never going to make us any less than we are now. I’m not her, Bern’, I never will be…I’m not going to leave you, and I trust you not to leave me.” There was a tenderness in Serena’s words, and it was reassuring to hear that she could understand the woman’s fears and settle them without a second thought. “We both want this, but we know we could go without it…it’d just be silly.”

The blonde smirked as she leant in, pressing her lips wantonly against Serena’s and forcing her against the wall. One hand went to short, brunette hair while the other settled high on her waist and her tongue ran along the lower lip of the other woman. Serena fell back against the wall in desperation, hooking her leg up around Bernie’s hip to pull her closer. As the kiss deepened, Bernie moved her hand around to Serena’s back and tugged her upwards before carrying the brunette through to the bedroom. 

Bernie laid her down on the bed, climbing over her and slipping her fingers under the hem of her blouse to tug it up and over her head. As the cool air hit her bare skin, Serena shivered, pulling Bernie back to her lips and allowing her hands to slide down her back. She hooked her thumbs in to the belt loops of Bernie’s jeans and groped her asscheeks harshly as the blonde moved her attention to Serena’s exposed neck and kissed her way down it thoroughly. In the morning, there would be marks but the brunette didn’t care in the slightest - the juniors could speculate all they liked - she felt no shame in what she was doing. 

The whole act was very sensual - clothes came off and fell around them haphazardly, no words were spoken, and everything happened enticingly slowly. There was no rush in what they were doing, how they were feeling…they had the rest of their lives. 

Serena came euphorically under the steady and well-trained hand of her lover, writhing as she found a whole new level of satisfaction she had yet to discover. For Bernie, it was a little more cautious…perhaps fearful as the untried skill of the brunette was set to work against clammy and eager flesh. Somehow, there was no fault - no point at which she needed to be guided by anything more than her emotions, and her instincts - and Berenese Wolfe felt herself come undone beneath the nimble fingers of her debutante. 

The two women were curled together in a post-coital bliss, bodies closely entwined as Bernie held her lover close against her. A sheen of glistening sweat covered the both of them, neither entirely composed after the rather spectacular happenings of their evening. Serena was in awe, not only sexually but emotionally - she knew what it had taken for Bernie to let her in, to expose herself so completely and she admired the fact that she was so willing and ready to do that. 

“Is that what it’s always like?” Serena whispered breathlessly, the first sound that had been consciously made since that first kiss. There was a mirth in her tone, as if she was smug about the fact that she had found something so magnificently glorious. 

“Hmm, something like that.” Bernie hummed contently, planting a gentle kiss in soft, brown hair. “Do you think they know, at work? I mean, Jason picked up on it and he hardly ever sees us together.”

“I’m counting on Raf and Fletch having taken bets on it.” The brunette smirked momentarily before lifting her head to meet the gaze of the other woman, concerned that her curiosity wasn’t light hearted. “They’re not going to care, and it wouldn’t matter if they did. Bern’, I promise you that it’s going to be okay if people find out - this can’t stay a secret forever.”

“I know ’Rena, this isn’t me getting cold feet. I just…aren’t you worried? They already know that I’m gay but, you and Robbie are barely finished in their eyes. I don’t want to see you being criticised for this.” 

Serena was just a tad charmed that Bernie was being so protective, she knew the repercussions it may have but she didn’t care as long as she had her. She had been asked many times if she was gay over the years, probably the absence of a man in her life at the ripe old age of 51 but also potentially her rather gay self-presentation. It had never really fazed her - up until meeting Bernie she had been pretty confident in her heterosexuality, but all it took was the right woman and she was a fully fledged bisexual. 

“I’m sure I’ll survive, I’ve got a big macho army medic to defend my honour.” The brunette curled up in Bernie’s side, resting her head on her shoulder. “You know I don’t care, right? You could out us tomorrow and I honestly wouldn’t care a jot as long as I still had you to console me while they gossip about us. There are very few people in the my life that I truly care about keeping, I don’t feel the need to hide those people away.” 

“How are you so much braver than I ever was?” Bernie hummed in admiration, running her fingers softly up and down Serena’s bare arm. “You astonish me every time I look at you.”

“And it just takes one second of thinking about every great thing you’ve ever done in your life to make me question what on Earth I’ve done to deserve you. You were brave, brave enough to try and fix something you knew was never going to last.” The brunette smiled softly as she felt Bernie’s heartbeat through her fingertips, nobody had ever made her feel more important in her entire life. “You choose when people know, I’m ready when you are. I know how much this means to you, so I refuse to force your hand, you know where I stand but my feelings for you are not dependent upon this, I am confident that when the time comes and you are ready in your own mind - you won’t shut up about it for days.”

The blonde grinned warmly, planting a gentle kiss atop her lover’s head, and silently speculating on Serena’s words. Her heart was most definitely invested in the relationship and she felt that she wanted to do nothing more than declare her love to the rest of the world, but there was always going to be that fear lingering in her mind. The way Serena had reacted when she found out about Alex, she didn’t want to see the person she cared about most go through watching her friends and colleagues turn against her…Bernie knew that they weren’t going to get off scot-free, nobody who ever did anything in that hospital did. 

The soldier in her said that discretion was always the way forward in such a situation, but the human being in her wanted to be honest. The people around her had been supportive - Henrik, Ric, Dom, even Jac - they’d all been welcoming, and supportive throughout the past few months despite everything that happened. Rationally she knew there was no reason to worry, and she knew that Serena could look after herself. 

“I don’t want to tell people, but I’m not going to lie and I’m not going to try and hide this.” Bernie whispered calmly, there was a wavering in the confidence of her tone but Serena believed her nevertheless. “I won’t keep you a secret.”

In that moment, Serena was quite certain she had never been more in love with anybody in her entire life.


	4. facing fears

Wednesday morning arrived and the both of them forced their way out of bed, unenthusiastic at the prospect of a twelve hour shift. Bernie was determined to stick to her word today, if anyone asked her anything about Serena - she would answer entirely honestly, with the obvious discretion of not going in to detail. They both got dressed, Serena wearing the same clothes as yesterday with underwear she had conveniently dropped in to her bag yesterday morning, and prepared to leave the house. Serena had left her car at the hospital so Bernie was going to have to drive her, if that didn’t fuel the rumours then nothing would. 

“Lunch together in the office?” Bernie suggested as she grabbed her Thermos and headed for the front door with Serena at her heel. Serena hooked her finger under the blonde’s chin and drew her in for a kiss, that was likely the last one she’d get all day so she savoured it. Breaking away from it, Bernie grinned warmly. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Hmm, that was a yes.” Serena finished sweetly as she grabbed the Thermos out of Bernie’s hand and took a gulp as she walked out of the front door, with an astonished Bernie close behind her. 

The car journey was quiet as always, with the morning news playing on the radio and announcing a pile up on the motorway to confirm their suspicions that it was going to be a great day at work. As they pulled in to the staff carpark, Bernie could see Dom getting out of his own car and there was no way that he wouldn’t see the pair of them getting out of the same car. She was momentarily hesitant but she knew she had to stick to her word, she wasn’t going to back out on Serena after her promise only a few hours ago. 

Calmly, Bernie took her keys out of the ignition and opened the car door to get out. Serena hadn’t seen him, nor did she see the anxiety in the blonde’s eyes as she walked around to Serena’s side of the car and took the Thermos from her. There was no awkward eye contact, Dom didn’t even consciously clock the pair of them as far as Bernie could tell, and there was no walk of shame as they headed through the double doors and towards the lift. As the lift arrived, Sacha Levy stepped out, greeting them kindly before looking down at Serena’s attire and pursing his lips to conceal a smirk. 

“Are you alright to go to the budget meeting without me? Morven’s the only junior in today and I don’t really want to leave her on the department alone on her first day back, not with everything that’s happened.” Serena questioned as they rode the lift up to AAU. “Or you can stay on the ward and I’ll go? It’s up to you.”

“No, I’ll go. Morven needs you close by today. We’ll have lunch when I get back as long as nothing goes wrong in my absence.” Bernie replied, smiling as the lift doors opened and they stepped out in to the hubbub of the ward. 

Over the course of the morning, a number of people took notice of the fact that Serena’s clothes had not changed, and many of the night staff had observed the fact that Serena’s car had not moved since yesterday morning when she arrived. Bernie’s morning went relatively smoothly with the budget meeting keeping her away from any potential gossip in the ranks, it wasn’t until she left to find a fresh-faced Dom with a knowing grin across his face that things started to get a little tense for her. 

“So, Fletch - Obs on bays 2, 3 and 6 and the man in 5 can be discharged as soon as his wife gets here. I’m taking my lunch, I’ll be in the office if the hospital sets on fire, otherwise you have no clue where I’ve gone - understood?” Serena stated as she handed off the files to the younger nurse and headed across the ward towards her office. 

As she entered the room, she found Bernie already sat there with two cups of coffee and two sandwiches from the vending machine. Exhaling dramatically, she fell back in to her chair and closed her eyes as she slipped her feet out of her shoes and relaxed for the first time all morning. Silently, Bernie slid her coffee across the desk and placed the sandwich beside it. 

“Easy morning then?” She teased, keeping her own smugness surreptitious. “The budget meeting went to plan, nothing’s changed massively apart from this electricity drive that’s still going on. Hanssen was too busy moaning at Guy for all the money he’s been wasting on keeping patients in for far longer than necessary in post-op observation, we barely got a mention.”

“Well at least that went alright then, because nothing else has!” Serena retorted with anger brewing up in her tone, receiving a concerned and curious look from the blonde. “Morven’s barely fit to be up and about let alone at work, Raf upset a patient and now has an official complaint going upstairs, Jason’s decided he’s coming in this afternoon because he’s got nothing else to do and he wants to see Hanssen, something he doesn’t seem to understand can’t become a regular occurrence, and I have received at least a dozen dirty looks from the nurses because I haven’t changed my bloody top!”

“Serena, breathe. I’m here - I’ll deal with the complaint, and I’ll sort Jason out when he gets here. You’re going to have to take the reins with Morven because you can handle that situation far better than I, and you can ignore the nurses because if they even glance at you when I’m in the room, they will find themselves with a swift kick in the teeth.” Bernie reassured calmly, she knew the stress that Serena was under and it frustrated her that there was little she could do to resolve it. “Just calm down, okay?”

“Sorry, I just- today has not gone very well so far.” Serena admitted as she reached for her coffee and sipped at the steaming liquid. “Thank you, for the coffee and the sandwich. I’ll pay you back.”

“No you won’t - it’s a sandwich, I’m allowed to buy you lunch Serena.” There was a smirk on Bernie’s face but behind it was a more serious look of kindness…all that mattered to her in that moment was that Serena was alright. “Did Jason say what time he’s planning to come in?”

“As soon as he finishes work, so he should be here by about quarter past two. I don’t know what I’m going to do with him for 6 hours though, it’s not like I can leave him in here all afternoon.” Serena grumbled, tearing open her sandwich with some force. “I do love him, really I do…he’s just so exhausting at times. Only a few more weeks and Alan will be ready to start working again, although I’m not entirely sure I want him to leave…he can be a nightmare at times but life would certainly be boring without him.”

“I’ll sort him out when he gets here, you do what you’re best at and keep the ward running. I’ll have a quick word with Mr. Di Lucca’s patient and see if I can’t fix it, but if not then I’ll head up and bring Henrik up to speed. Just stop worrying.” Bernie stated confidently, smiling warmly as she sipped at her coffee. 

The two women sat, relaxing together until their lunch hour was up, and then back in to the breach. 

Jason arrived precisely on time at 2:14PM and headed straight for Serena, only to be stopped in his tracks by Bernie and invited to take a walk to the vending machine. 

“So, how was work? Are you enjoying it there?” Bernie questioned casually as they walked through the hospital corridors. 

“Auntie Serena told me you’re not supposed to enjoy work. But secretly, I kind of do.” Jason admitted and Bernie almost laughed at what Serena had said, though she was a little too charmed that he had been willing to share something with her. She had been hoping to make a good impression upon him - she wanted Serena’s family to like her and chances were that she wouldn’t meet Elinor for quite some time, so she needed to get Jason on side. “Can we go down to the peace garden if you’re not busy? I do rather like it down there, though I’ll understand if you’ve got patients to look after.“

“Nope. I’m all yours for the time being, Jason. Let’s head down there now.” Bernie replied enthusiastically, she truly found Jason charming company to be in. 

The pair headed downstairs with Jason fuelling the conversation and Bernie interjecting appropriately, entering the peace garden to find it empty and sitting down beside one another. Looking back at the building, Bernie could see Serena stood on the stairs watching them and she couldn’t help but be concerned - she felt that the somewhat indiscreet declaration of their status had put extra pressure on her, on an already difficult day. 

“What’s wrong with you today?” Jason asked abruptly, drawing Bernie’s attention back to him. “Don’t say nothing because I can see it in your face. You’ve looked very worried ever since I arrived, a falcon with a worried face is a tad ridiculous if you ask me.“

“Is that so? Can’t falcons be worried sometimes?’ Bernie inquired, attempting to divert the conversation but failing miserably, as her eyes flicked back to look at the stairwell which was now empty.

“It’s not to do with Auntie Serena, is it? You can’t break up with her, not after how bad she was after she left Robbie. That was because of me, you’ve got no reason to leave her so why would you?”

“I’m not- I’m not going to break up with Serena, Jason. Serena and I are just fine, it’s the rest of the world that’s causing the problem. Don’t worry yourself, I’ll sort it out.” Bernie reassured, finding it endearing how much Jason cared about his auntie, only to stop her train of thought and look at him. “What do you mean after Robbie?”

“She was fine in front of me, but I heard her crying through the wall. It wasn’t even about him, I don’t think she ever really loved him, but she was upset because she started thinking she was gonna be stuck in her old age with no one to keep her company except me, which I don’t really see a flaw in but anyway.” The young man responded matter-of-factly. “She’d be so much worse if you left though, because she loves you. You can’t leave her anyway because you love each other.“ 

“Jason, I’m not going to leave her, okay? How did you even figure out that the two of us were more than friends? Because you seem to have realised it before us.” The blonde questioned, curious as to whether they were giving themselves away. 

“Do you not realise how obvious you are? You never stop smiling at each other, and spending time together, and talking to each other. Auntie Serena never really shuts up about you to be honest, it can be quite annoying at times. Especially when I’m trying to watch World’s Strongest Man and she keeps going on about how you’re stronger than all of them.” His words couldn’t help but make Bernie smile in the knowledge that Serena had talked to Jason about her. 

Bernie took a moment to think about the fact that Serena had thought about her, that she did think about it. She’d been told enough times in the past weeks by Serena, but to hear it from somebody else made it more real. Her mind went back to Alex, and how she’d felt so deeply for her only weeks ago, only to find that those feelings now seemed incomparable to how her heart stopped beating whenever she thought about Serena. The pessimist in her couldn’t help but wonder what she would do if Serena ever left her - Jason had said can’t - but he was naive to the cruel ways of the world. “She won’t, you know. She cares about you too much.”

“Just because someone cares doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you, remember Lola?” Bernie reasoned, hesitant to bring up the subject but wanting to teach him this lesson. 

“It’s different. Auntie Serena loves you when nobody’s looking. Lola said she loved me because she wanted something from me, Serena loved you even when she didn’t think you loved her. You can’t hurt people when you truly love them, it’s just as painful as hurting yourself.” 

And Bernie had never heard such astute reasoning in her entire life.


	5. domestique félicité

“So, what did you and Jason talk about this afternoon? I saw you go outside together.” Serena began curiously as they walked towards the lift. 

“It’s a long story so I’ll tell you later on - do you want me to stay over tonight? I don’t want to leave you alone after everything today.” Bernie questioned, hoping that the brunette would agree so she didn’t have to leave her tonight. “I’ll pop home in my car to get some overnight stuff and then get a cab over to yours, if you like.” 

“There’s no point in you getting a cab, I’ll follow in my car and wait while you grab some clothes.” Serena suggested warmly as the two women stepped in to the lift and the doors closed behind them, taking them down to the ground floor. “Would you be alright going straight home tonight? I don’t really want to face the pub.”

“Sure, straight home it is.” Bernie enthused warmly as the lift arrived and the two of them walked out together through the cafe, and in to the car park. “I’ll see you in 10.”

“I’ll be right behind you.” Serena responded as she walked away from the blonde and towards her own car. 

The two women drove in a heavy silence, both eager to discuss their day and all the troubles it had caused. Every few seconds, Bernie would check on Serena through her rear view only to find Serena looking, seemingly directly at her. It had been raining, and it was a particularly dark night for the time of year, so driving wasn’t the most pleasant experience but it wasn’t too far to the flat anyway. As she pulled in to her drive, Bernie jumped out of the car and ran for the shelter of the house, leaving the door just slightly ajar for Serena to follow. 

Packing an overnight bag didn’t take her long - a grand total of two minutes at the most, shoving basic toiletries and an outfit in to a bag before heading back downstairs and straight out of the door. Serena had remained in her car, likely knowing that Bernie would be out of the house again before she even got to the door, and leaned over to open the door for an already damp Bernie. Serena held in her laughter at the sight of Bernie, hair stuck to the sides of her head and raindrops dripping down her face, but found that the blonde herself couldn’t help a quiet giggle when she caught sight of herself in the wing mirror. 

In silence, the pair of them drove over to Serena’s house impatiently, eager to begin their conversation. 

“I’m home!” Serena called as they walked through the front door and removed their coats. “Bernie’s here too!”

“Okay, I’m watching Mastermind and then I’m going to bed! Goodnight Auntie Serena! Goodnight Bernie!” Jason called back down the stairs, apparently not interested in the slightest in what they were planning to do with their evening.

Heading in to the front room, the two women sat close beside one another on the couch, and the brunette turned to her partner expectantly. 

“Well…” Bernie began, unsure of how exactly to explain it. “For some reason unbeknownst to me, he got it in to his head that I was planning to ‘break up with you’ and I was a bit confused by that, but anyway he was talking about how apparently we’re very obvious in the fact that we’re more than friends, and he was talking about how I couldn’t break up with you because it would be like it was after you left Robbie. It was just a lot of talk about us, and how we love each other, and…it was all a bit disjointed if I’m being honest.”

“Robbie?- Oh, God. I didn’t ever think that he would have heard me. All I needed to do was let it out, I’d been penting it up for weeks.” Serena replied, swallowing thickly as she leant in to Bernie’s side heavily and huffed. “I’ll have to talk to him about it.”

“No you won’t, he already knows that it wasn’t really to do with Robbie. You forget just how insightful he can be.” Bernie reminded her, wrapping her arm around Serena and holding her closely as she mulled over the day. “Don’t worry about him, worry about you. I know today was tough.”

Serena grunted in agreement, pulling her legs up on to the couch and cuddling closer in to Bernie’s side, at this point she was effectively on top of the blonde but she couldn’t care less - she wanted her close. The two women sat in a calm silence, warmth radiating between them as they remained entwined and breathed in to the darkness of the room. Light spilled in from the hallway, and edged through the window from the streetlight outside, but the majority of the room was overcast in darkness. 

“In other news, there’s been no confirmation on the relationship front, and nobody has directly asked me so far. I don’t know why it’s worrying so much - I couldn’t care less what they think, I just feel like it compromises my professional integrity somehow. It’ll die down when something more exciting happens anyway.” Serena reasoned, trying to convince herself that she was being unreasonable. “Do you want a cup of tea? I could really do with one tonight.”

“I’ll make it, you stay here.” Bernie offered softly, leaving a lingering kiss atop the crown of Serena’s head before slipping out from underneath her and heading towards the kitchen. As she boiled the kettle, Bernie went to grab the milk from the fridge, only to find herself distracted by the photos that coated the front of it - Serena and Jason, Serena and Elinor, Serena and the AAU team…and Serena with her. It was an unfamiliar photo, though it was obvious it had been taken on a night out at Albies sometime in the past few months. She couldn’t help but smile, the brunette looked so utterly happy and it hurt her to know that she wasn’t that happy now, as she drew the fridge door and grabbed the milk. 

As the kettle boiled, she picked up to pour in to the mugs before feeling hands upon her waist. Instinct caused her to jump, spilling a little of the boiling water on her hand, but as soon as she was back in control she relaxed in to the brunette’s touch. Her hand was stinging viciously but she couldn’t let Serena blame herself, so she swallowed her down her pain and rushed through making the tea before discreetly hurrying towards the tap and running her hand beneath the cold water, under the guise of rinsing a spoon…very thoroughly. 

“Bern’?” Serena questioned concernedly, and the blonde forced a smile before turning to face her with a curious glance. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, what do you mean?” Bernie diverted innocently, biting the inside of her cheek as she approached Serena. There was little hiding the red, blistering flesh of her hand so instead she attempted to force the brunette’s attention elsewhere. Without another word, Serena gently lifted her hand and took it back towards the sink, turning on the cold tap once again and holding the blonde’s sore hand beneath the flow. “‘Rena, it’s fine. Really!”

“Humour me! I’m a doctor!” Serena exclaimed, ignoring Bernie’s eye roll as she continued to hold the burn under the running tap. “I’ll go and get some aloe vera and a dressing.”

“‘I’m not going to win, am I.” Bernie accepted submissively, huffing as she lent against the sink. The brunette glanced towards her smugly before leaving the room and heading swiftly up the stairs to grab the first aid kit from the bathroom. 

Silently, Bernie dressed the wound and placed a gentle kiss upon it - all the while with Bernie glaring with a subliminal hint of endearment in her eyes. The blonde was unwilling to fight against her in that moment, there was more to be concerned with than petty disagreements between the two of them. It wasn’t long before the both of them were ready for bed - the prospect of another twelve hour shift tomorrow left them both feeling exhausted.

That night, Bernie held Serena in her arms as she slept. Her desire to protect those she cared about had always been deep rooted, but when it came to Serena there was a whole new level to what she was feeling - there was something unnerving in feeling such an overwhelming need to look after someone who was ridiculously independent, and wouldn’t accept help if it wasn’t ‘absolutely necessary!’ - there was something both totally admirable, and yet impossibly aggravating about Serena, and the hold she had on her lover’s heart. In a cocoon of warmth and happiness, the two women drifted in to a peaceful slumber and silently prayed that the morning never came and dragged them away from their bliss.


	6. glorious exposure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all were supposed to be getting another chapter tonight but i got distracted by heartbreaking Berena headcanon - you can blame Amy for the absence of an update.

Dom had been curious about what was going on between the two women for quite some time, ever since he had first met Serena years ago, he had suspected that there may be more to her than heterosexuality. The arrival of Ms Wolfe had brought with it, a whole host of problems, but all that he had truly been paying attention to was the effect that she was having on the brunette that he had known for so long. Between the two women, he had noticed many a tender moment when they thought nobody was looking, but he had held his discretion and kept his suspicions to himself. 

“Mr Copeland, is there something you ought to be doing or is sitting on the stairs looking glum what the taxpayers employ you for?” Ms Wolfe asked curiously, taking a seat beside the young man on the stairs and crossing her arms over her knees. 

“The flat’s empty, it’s awful. Going from being somewhere so busy, to being stuck on your own almost all the time - how did you cope? Leaving the army, coming back to living completely on your own…wasn’t is lonely?” Dom huffed heavily - he had admired Bernie, through everything with her husband and Alex Dawson, there was nothing about the woman that he didn’t find a little bit inspiring. 

“I didn’t cope - if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been quite a mess as of late. You have to find people who can help you through it - I found people who were there for me, who supported me in the times when I felt like giving up was the only option…you need to find your people, and you need to hold on to them. Where’s Dr March? Surely all of this has only brought you closer together…that’s what Arthur would have wanted.” Bernie reasoned - she cared for Dom, ever since his initial kindness to her, she had felt an overwhelming need to look out for him…especially when he was going through such a difficult time. “You can’t isolate yourself just because he’s gone, Dom.”

“I know, but there’s no one to speak to - Morven and I have a temperamental relationship at the best of times, so without Arthur to act as mediator, I can’t really speak to her. As for Zosia, she hasn’t actually come back to the flat once since that night - she text me asking for a bag of her clothes, and I’ve barely seen her since…apparently she’s staying at Jac Naylor’s - they’ve buddied up ever since Zosia prioritised her work, Zos’ needs her space. As long as she’s safe, I’ll give her the time she needs, I won’t force myself upon her unnecessarily.” Dominic answered, leaning his head against the banister resoundingly as he spoke. “Speaking of people - cheer a gay up, tell me that I’m not imagining whatever is going on between you and Ms Campbell. You know I can keep a secret, it’d just be nice to know that at least someone around here is getting a little bit of happiness when there’s practically a dark cloud looming over everybody. ”

“Ms Campbell has been there for me ever since I started in this job, and I’m eternally grateful for that. She’s my first port of call, in and out of these walls, and the two of us are…seeing where the wind takes us. Happy to cheer a gay up but please, your discretion would be appreciated.” Bernie replied, this was the first time that she had actually told somebody directly about her relationship with Serena and it was a little unnerving but she was happy that she had let herself say it, and she was happier for the fact that it had been Dom. “Now, come on you - back in to the breach we go, I’ll buy you a tequila shot tonight if you make it through the day without yelling at anybody.”

“You’re on, Ms Wolfe.” Dom smiled wildly, standing up enthusiastically and offering the blonde a hand. “I shall see you in Albies at 8pm on the dot, ready to drink all the Don Julio they have to offer.”

On the ward, Serena was treating a sweet old lady with a rather dodgy hip that had landed her in AAU, with an urgent need for a replacement. As Bernie returned to the ward, the brunette glanced in her direction and the two shared a quick smile across the room before Serena returned her attention to her patient, cheeks still glowing radiantly at the thought of her lover. 

“She looks nice, keep hold of her or you’ll have me to answer to.” Mrs Jackson interjected smugly, and Serena couldn’t help but look a little astounded at the astute 78 year old. “I don’t miss a trick, Miss Campbell, you just don’t let her go and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”

For the rest of the afternoon, Serena couldn’t help but wonder whether they had been kidding themselves into thinking that people didn’t know the moment that they saw the two of them together. In hindsight, she could see just how much she went on about Bernie, and she had no shame at all. At this point, short of actual sex in public, she was inclined to consider anything that Bernie consented to. The brunette knew what a big deal it was to Bernie, and she certainly wasn’t going to push the idea of announcing their relationship publicly, but they had promised not to lie and she was terrible at concealing her feelings anyway - one moment of listening to her talk about Bernie, or seeing the way she looked at her…it would be impossible not to tell. 

That evening, all of the day shift headed over to Albies with Dom feeling enthusiastic about Bernie’s promise of hard liquor. They gathered around one table, with Bernie and Serena sat close beside one another in the middle, and Dom, Raf and Fletch around them. 

“Go and get a round in then Mr Di Lucca!“ Serena exclaimed, grinning widely and watching Bernie hand him a couple of £20s with curiosity in her eyes. “Feeling generous today, are we Ms Wolfe?”

“Something like that, Ms Campbell. Only the best for our team, right?” Bernie answered, a flirtatious tint to her voice. 

As the night carried on, glass after glass of wine was finished and everyone fell in to a state of drunkenness. In her tipsy state, Serena had been getting progressively closer to Bernie and was now, effectively, sat on her knee. Bernie knew in that moment that their relationship would be exposed before the night was out, she just wanted to make sure it was done right - she too, was relatively drunk, but still had control of her thoughts at this point. Raf was looking at the pair of them with a confused expression - Dom knew about their relationship now, and Fletch had been suspecting it for a while, but poor Raf hadn’t a cat in hell’s chance of jumping to the correct conclusion. 

Serena was whispering in the blonde’s ear, and from the way she was sucking in her cheeks, it definitely was not something Bernie felt appropriate to repeat in polite company. Neither of them were sober enough to drive legally so they were going to have to split a taxi back to Serena’s - luckily the brunette wasn’t in work until the following afternoon so she would have time to recover from her antics, and Bernie hadn’t had enough to drink that it would cause any issue. 

Sensing that the other woman’s mind was wandering, Serena pulled her back to reality by taking hold of her jaw and kissing her deeply. Bernie was taken aback by the kiss but took only a moment to regain control and return it with great ardour. Her hands went to the brunette’s back, pulling her closer as she felt a mixture of lipstick and red wine invade her senses and inhaled her lover’s heady scent. Across the table, Dom was watching the pair of them smugly while Raf gawped in utter shock - though neither woman showed any interest in how they were taking it. 

“Maybe it’s time I took you home.” Bernie suggested gently, breaking away from the kiss with flushed cheeks. As she looked cautiously towards the men across the table, she barely even clocked the shock in Raf’s eyes behind his smile and she exhaled relievedly. 

“My my, Ms Wolfe - how very forward!” The brunette teased, smirking as she shifted from Bernie’s lap and stood up, only to find herself once again in her lover’s arms as she almost fell over drunkenly. “Take me to bed, Major.”

“Good night boys - see you tomorrow.” Bernie offered kindly as she slipped past them, holding Serena up as she stumbled away from the table. “Now home, I think.” 

The two headed for the first taxi they saw and attempted, though failing wildly, to enter the house quietly without waking Jason. Bernie helped Serena undress before tucking her in and slipping around to the other side of the bed. The prospect of getting up and leaving her in the morning hurt Bernie just a little, they had spent very little time away from each other over the past month and she certainly didn’t want to leave her alone when she knew she wouldn’t be feeling brilliant. She hated the prospect of leaving her, and the soldier inside of her couldn’t help but worry just a little that soon the glass would crack and their perfect snow globe scene would fall apart.


	7. friendly competition

Serena had been hoping to spend some time away from the hospital with Bernie, so when the blonde had asked her out for a meal and ‘a surprise’. Despite the fact that she didn’t do well with surprises for the most part, she trusted Bernie and she didn’t care what they were doing as long as they were together. 

“So, where are we going?” The brunette asked curiously as the two of them headed out of the Wyvern Wing doors and walked towards Bernie’s car. 

“I told you! It’s a surprise, you’re not going to get it out of me now! You’ll find out when we get there, and not a moment sooner!” Bernie teased as she unlocked the car and opened her door, climbing in. 

In a comfortable silence, the two women drove to the four star restaurant Bernie had booked a table for two at, Serena hid her astonishment as they stepped out of the car and she saw the well-decorated interior of the place. Internally, she thanked herself for wearing a nice shirt today and felt relieved that she had dressed at least semi-appropriately for the evening. 

“This is beautiful, Bern’.” Serena uttered calmly as she took the other woman’s arm in hers and the two of them started to walk towards the door. 

“I’m glad you like it.” Bernie responded happily, getting to the door and stating her reservation details for the waiter who then guided them to a small table near the back of the restaurant. “This is lovely, thank you.”

Serena sat down, looking across the table at Bernie with so much love in her eyes it seemed odd that the people at the tables around them couldn’t sense it. The two held a softened gaze, simply lavishing in the presence of one another quietly until the waiter came back with menus for the pair of them. Looking down at it, Serena skimmed over it before arching an eyebrow and holding back her laughter as she made eye contact with the blonde.

“I have no idea what any of these dishes are - I am way too common to be here, Bern’.” The consultant whispered, laughing softly as she pursed her lips together in shame. “I can’t believe you picked somewhere so fancy!”

“Oi! It was beautiful a minute ago!” Bernie joked, holding in her own giggles as she set down her menu. “Would you like me to order for the both of us, you uncultured swine?“

Bernie did, indeed, order for Serena, and for the rest of the meal - the two of them held back laughter as they enjoyed great food and greater company. Neither of the women was really there for the food, they wouldn’t have cared if they’d gone somewhere ridiculously cheap but Bernie had wanted to show that she could make the effort when she wanted to. There was nothing that Serena cared about more than being with her - not fancy food, or expensive gifts…just her.

It got to about eight o’clock and Bernie asked for the bill, waving Serena away as she offered to split it. This was her night to treat Serena as well as she could, there were so many days she had missed and she felt a need to make up for all the time she had missed. She was unsure as to whether Catherine was going to take the next aspect of the evening very well but all she cared about was that they would be spending the rest of the evening together.

“So, where are we headed Ms Wolfe?” Serena asked smugly, determined to get an answer from her as the two of them left the restaurant and headed back towards the car. As Bernie opened her own door, she felt Serena close behind her and turned to find the brunette only inches away from her. “Tell me Bern’, you know you want to.”

“I’m not telling.” Bernie teased as Serena leant in to her and kissed her, baiting her to give in. The blonde couldn’t help but groan as Serena’s knee nudged between her legs and pinned her against the side of the car - there were people around but Serena had no qualms about what she was doing, and Bernie was in no position to argue. Bernie couldn’t help but kiss back, slipping her fingers under the waistline of Serena’s trousers and tugging her closer by her hips. Serena took the blonde’s lips between her teeth, waiting for her take the bait and then pulled away swiftly, rounding the car to sit in the passenger seat as Bernie huffed, flopping in to the car and grumbling before putting her keys in the ignition. 

Serena couldn’t help but feel curious, Bernie had done well in keeping their plans a secret from her considering her natural tendency to give away everything accidentally, and she just wanted to get to wherever they were going so she was no longer in the dark. As they pulled in to the bowling alley, Serena had to nip the insides of her cheeks between her teeth to keep from laughing, this was certainly not what she had been expecting but in her mind, she could not have been more pleasantly surprised. 

“I’m not a very competitive person - but I’m just saying that I expect a prize when I win.” Serena hinted flirtatiously as she hopped out of the car enthusiastically, eager to get inside and win the game…and to reap the rewards of her victory. “I hope all those years in the army taught you how to take a loss graciously.”

“Oh it is on, Miss Campbell!” Bernie retorted vehemently as the top of them walked, arm in arm, towards the door of the bowling alley and headed straight for the pre-booked lane that Bernie had organised. “Get ready to lose!”

After only a couple of shots of ‘warming up’, it became rather apparent that Serena - especially in her tipsy, post-dinner state - couldn’t bowl to save her life, and Bernie decided that it was only fair and just to help her out a little. As Serena lifted a ball, quite obviously too heavy for her, the blonde came up behind her and grabbed a 12 ball before handing it over to Serena and guiding her towards the lane. Serena couldn’t help but feel this was some ploy to make her fail even more dramatically in an attempt to embarrass her, but eventually gave in to Bernie’s silent demand and let the more skilled of the two women guide her towards a strike. Even after the ball had hit the pins, the two women stood there for a moment longer - Bernie so close behind the brunette that her breath could be felt on the back of her neck, fingers still grasped around her forearm tenderly. 

The game lasted for less than an hour and Bernie came out on top unsurprisingly, though thanks to careful guidance, the gap between the two scores narrowed considerably over the course of the game. Serena didn’t say of word of congratulations, nor did Bernie make any snide remarks…mainly in protection of her dignity, and sexual wellbeing. As the two women left the bowling alley, they returned to the car in silence and headed back to Serena’s - the brunette had promised her nephew that she would be at home when he left for work and knowing the importance of her words, had insisted that they head back to hers. 

Pulling up outside of the house, Bernie looked across the car towards Serena with a mischievous look in her eye - there was no way that she was going to bed without receiving her prize. The soldier was rather glad to have the agility she had formed over her years in the army, moving in to take the mouth of the brunette brusquely against her own and reaching down to the hem of her shirt, slipping cool fingers underneath to touch the bare skin of her lover’s midriff. Her hand weaved its way up to settle against her ribs while Serena’s flew up to rest in thick, blonde hair and pull their two bodies closer together. 

Bernie started to unbutton Serena’s shirt, skilfully, starting at the top and making her way down. As the cool air of the poorly heated car hit Serena’s chest, she felt goosebumps rise upon her flesh and her nipples start to harden. She drew back from the kiss momentarily to take a breath before nimbly unbuttoning Bernie’s blouse and forcing it over her shoulders, yanking down her bra straps as she accelerated herself up and hooked her leg, first over the handbrake, and then over Bernie. Readjusting so she was mounting her comfortably, she returned her attention to the blonde’s lips - tasting the sweet remnants of wine against her own rouged mouth and edging her tongue inside to delve further within her lover, tasting her as she let herself be tasted. 

“Backseat?” The blonde suggested strategically, hoisting the brunette easily and nudging her between the two seats to fall against the cushioned interior of the car once again. As Bernie unclipped her bra, Serena bit her lip eagerly as the blonde took her breasts - one in each hand - and started to squeeze them, pinching already flushed nipples wantonly. Bernie kissed her neck, nipping at her taught flesh, and then moved the attention of her lips further down towards her lover’s chest. Serena slipped her arm down in between them and edged underneath the waistline of her trousers with deft fingers, reaching down to find her already wet. 

Slipping between her folds, Serena edged inside of her with eager fingers curling against her. Bernie arched her back, tensing against her desperately as she continued to watch the brunette writhe beneath her as she avidly handled her ample chest. Serena’s fingers were thrusting inside of Bernie, filling her as her nimble digits flexed against warm flesh and listening to her earnest humming as she swallowed down moans. A ball of tension was building up inside of her and it would take very little to send her over the edge. 

Serena slipped a third finger inside of her, delving deeper inside while resting her thumb against her clit and bringing her to climax with one, abrupt stroke. She came gloriously, moaning loudly though it fell on deaf ears - neither of them conscious of the fact that they were in a less than soundproof vehicle late at night. 

Bernie had her prize, but in her post-coital bliss she was feeling rather generous, and she was going to make sure that Serena didn’t go to bed feeling too saddened by her loss.


	8. familiar faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I need to say that I don't believe Alex is as vindictive as I have portrayed her in this chapter - I exaggerated her character slightly for effect, and because I needed it to end sourly for the chapter to take the shape I intended. 
> 
> Also - I want to address a Guest review on the last chapter saying that they felt Berena (especially in fics) was unrealistic because Serena wouldn't suddenly declare she was gay. I feel the whole fandom, especially in terms of Berena shippers, want it to be very understated - they want Serena to have been bisexual and it to have never been a relevant plot point because they want this F/F relationship to be portrayed just the same as any other F/M relationship would be. I have believed that Serena is bisexual since long before Bernie arrived, potentially since she first arrived, and I am writing this fic with that belief in mind.
> 
> Finally, I'm considering bringing this fic to a close, so if you guys could let me know whether you think I should carry this on, or whether I should start a new fic? that would be great.

It was a Saturday morning when she received the text, and simply out of curiosity, Bernie had replied. 

Serena had been far more hesitant - it was selfish of her but she was scared that Bernie might leave her if Alex came back in to her life. Bernie tried to reassure her, though failing as Serena dismissed her and said she was fine with it succinctly. Her words convinced neither of them - but Bernie knew that it was something that she had to do, and she knew that showing Serena it would change anything between them was more important than saying it. She knew that nothing would ever come between the two of them, no matter how deeply Serena’s fears were rooted - she knew that with time she could convince her girlfriend that she wasn’t going to leave her. 

Wanting to stay close, Bernie suggested they meet at the hospital cafe - very few people were likely to recognise Alex, and even less were likely to make comment on it. She couldn’t help but feel uncertain, but she knew that it didn’t matter as long as she kept a tight hold of Serena. 

“She’s meeting me in five minutes so I’m gonna head downstairs now.” Bernie told her girlfriend - yes, she had started using that word, but only in her own mind - before receiving an abrupt nod and leaving the office. As she made her way downstairs, she couldn’t stop the inkling of worry in the back of her mind but she managed to smother her concern with thoughts of Serena as she entered the cafe. “Hello Alex.”

“Bern’, thanks for coming.” Alex replied calmly, offering the seat across from her and smiling awkwardly. “It feels like forever, doesn’t it.”

“It’s been barely a month, Alex.” Bernie answered, unsympathetic in her tone. “What do you want from me?”

“I miss you Bern’ - I know we said that this couldn’t work now, that we were different people as civilians but…I just want our lives back, I want to go back to how I used to feel.” Alex replied cautiously, knowing that she had been the one to instigate the initial ‘break-up’ if either of them. “Would you give me another chance?”

“Alex, I-” Bernie stumbled over her words, this was not what she had been expecting to hear. “You left me, you said you couldn’t do it anymore so I moved on! I got on with my life, I fell out of love with you, I found happiness in a time when I was convinced it didn’t exist. You can’t do this, not after everything I went through to put you in the past.”

“I know I hurt you, I was wrong to do that…I love you, Bern’. I never stopped, though I tried to tell myself I could. You’re it, Bernie, everything I ever wanted.” Alex uttered softly, tears welling in her eyes as she spoke. “If you’ve been as unhappy as me, it can only go up from here.”

“Alex…there’s someone else. I found someone, who makes me happier than I thought possible and I love her, and I won’t leave that for you when she’s been there through everything. We always wanted happiness for each other, more than anything else in the world…all I ever wanted was to see you happy, and I hope you feel the same about me.” Bernie’s words were bitter, she was slightly heartbroken to be letting go of what she had always dreamed of, despite the fact she was giving it up for something that was incomparable. Alex was a dream of a future, now she had a future and she didn’t need one to dream of. “I’m in love, with a person who loves me and supports me and has been there through everything.”

“What has she supported you through? We held each other after countless nights of watching our friends die, watching our friends be killed! For years, we were in our own bubble of happiness - and coming back to reality burst that, but we can be that happy again. I can make you that happy again.“ Alex’s tone was spiteful, she couldn’t help but resent this new woman for stealing away not only Bernie as she had known her, but the woman she had always dreamed she would one day become. “She doesn’t know you, Bernie, not like I do.”

“You don’t know the first thing about her, Alex, or about me. You knew the Major - the woman who worked 24/7 and did very little else - but she knows Bernie, she met me in the real world which is where I belong now. She was there for countless nights of me missing you, of me crying about my divorce, of me being treated as a pariah because the entire hospital found out about us. She was the one who was there, and she made me feel loved when I was convinced it was impossible.” Bernie finished honestly, no sense of doubt in her voice. “I won’t leave her, Alex, not for you and not for anyone. I love her.”

“Well, I’m pleased that you’ve found happiness…even if it couldn’t be with me.” Alex concluded, standing up to leave. “Come and find me - when she decides that she doesn’t want you anymore, I’ll be waiting.”

Bernie narrowed her eyes, shocked by the viciousness in a woman who had once been so gentle, before stalking out of the cafe without as much as a goodbye.

The lift seemed to take forever to reach the third floor, but once it did, she could barely keep herself from running to the office. At a brisk pace, she hurried across the ward and entered the room with a mixture of anger and upset in her eyes. Serena stood to meet her, outstretching her arms as the blonde headed straight in to them and wrapped herself tightly around her girlfriend. Anger was brewing inside of her, and she was trying to remain calm - taking it out on Serena was the last thing she wanted to, Alex’s words had sewn seeds of doubt in her mind and she wanted nothing more than to keep her love as close as possible.

“It’s okay, shh.” Serena whispered, holding Bernie tightly to her and sensing that she was close to tears. “We’ll sort it out, you just need to calm down.”

“She was so vicious, so cruel…I’ve never seen her like that.” Bernie muttered, clinging tightly to Serena’s back and holding her close. “It was awful.”

“Love, let me make us some tea and we can sit and talk about it, okay?” Serena suggested, carefully removing herself from Bernie’s tight hold and walking over the already full kettle and flicking it on. “Why don’t you sit down, Bern’?”

Bernie fell back in to her chair, vacantly staring at the wall as she tried to process what had just happened. She had never expected to end like that - she had expected yelling, and insults, and finality but…Alex had never seemed so bitter in all their years of knowing one another. She was in shock more than anything else, she had known that it was over but she had never expected such a sour ending. She zoned out, too astonished to pay proper attention to her surroundings, and closed her eyes in an attempt to block out the world. 

“Bern’-” Serena spoke sharply, shaking her by the shoulder softly. “Take your tea, tell me what happened.”

“She wanted me back, she told me she couldn’t cope without me.” Bernie answered monotonously, unable to convey the vast array of emotion she was feeling. “I told her that she was in my past, that I was happy now, that I loved somebody else…and I thought she was going to be pleased for me, respectful at least. She was so cold, mean…it was- I’ve never seen her like that.” 

“I- Bernie, I’m so sorry. She’s the love of your life, you- you gave her up for me? After everything, you’d really let her go…just like that?” Serena was stunned, she had never expected Bernie to pick her…she had never truly expected Bernie to have to choose. “She was everything to you- didn’t you even-?”

“Of course I didn’t! Serena, I love you, and I don’t see myself stopping any time in the future - you’re it, the endgame, the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She could never compare - she’s in my past, you’re my future.” Bernie spoke honestly and despite her overwhelmed state, she prioritised Serena’s feelings, knowing that she had been worried even before she had left. “Serena, this isn’t about losing her - I gave her up a long time ago. It’s about seeing the person that you once loved turn in to something you never expected them to be. I love you.”

Serena had no way to express how she felt, instead she opened her arms once again and allowed Bernie to rest in them, showing her love through real actions rather than empty words. Holding tightly the one she loved, Bernie made a silent farewell to the Alex Dawson that she had known and loved.


End file.
